I have something to admit. So far I’ve hidden this fact here, but… I have a problem with swearing.
On a full tangent, I guess you could say I swear like a filthy sailor, if that sailor had Tourettes and a bad crack habit.
When I first saw Dexter, my brain exploded a little bit. I am not alone, I thought. There are others. Even though it is a TV show, behind the scenes is a writer, or a friend of a writer, or a whack job sister of a friend of a writer, who is just like me.
You complete me
I learned from a young age the gritty sing-song of bad words, of how fuck can punctuate a sentence and shit can make many a noun more lively: shitbag, dumbshit, shiteater, etc. My dad is from Dee-Troit, in the area around 8 Mile, and he never thought to make his ‘hood language less flowery around his kids.
My mom was helpless to stop this influence. She is by contrast, a Disney character, as soft and guileless as Bambi; she grew up in privileged environment, with her own horse, shuttled around from figure skating practice to dance lessons. Obviously she was not the one calling the shots in our household. I’m sure that subconsciously we came to associate the more rough behavior and wordsmithery of my father with power.
Swearing was literally the only thing my brother and I were ever punished for, as we were happy kids who were otherwise mild-mannered. My mom had us write out 100 sentences every time she caught us swearing, which I once tried to get cute with:
Mom was not amused
Maybe being so close in age (my brother is a year younger) sparked us to compete for swearing badassness, and for shock value in general. We studied the classics- Monty Python, Kids in the Hall, then later Kevin Smith and Sam Raimi Flicks. It wasn’t long before had quite an arsenal of age-inappropriate jokes and knowledge that we were sharing with our friends.
Points if you know what this is
By 11 and 12 respectively, my brother and I were known as the “bad” good kids in the neighborhood. A buddy one day said, “My mom says I can’t play with you guys anymore.” (Little did this mom know, it was her child’s 15-year-old babysitter who was a far more corrupting influence; this angsty teen had taught all of us the different “c” words, talked incessantly about her older boyfriend, and introduced Pink Floyd’s Another Brick in the Wall.)
While I love a well-timed swear word as much as ever, lately I’ve been trying to hold back from cursing when I write. Just for fun, I want to explore other paths of wrong. For example:
Fucking idiot- Barf-chomping, spastic, half-wit poodle
Piece of shit- Professional turd wrangler
Bitch- Droopy-boobed pirate wench’s illegitimate spawn
Holy shit- Jiggling monkey balls!
Anyone else have creative substitutions for a favorite phrase?
Also, if you get a chance, vote for me (or whoever is mo’ betta) at this week’s Dud(ette) Write!
“I’m crushing your head! I’m crushing your head! Yes, that’s right, you flat head!”
Best. TV show. Ever. Where are my points?
Also, I once dated a girl who wouldn’t cuss. She’d say things like “gosh darnit” and “oh, hockey pucks!” That lasted about a week. I then realized I couldn’t be with anyone who wasn’t a potty mouth. Ten years later, and I’m married to a lady who still makes me blush with some of the things she says. It’s awesome.
I think I’ve seen every episode, at least twice. I thought about using a pic of the chicken lady but I didn’t want to creep anyone out unnecessarily. Oh, mad points, of course!
While I know I go too far sometimes, I’ve never understood Not swearing. “Oh darn!” doesn’t cut it when you get cut off in traffic
RATS. Beat me to it. But I knew. For real. I saw those guys live on stage once in NYC. It was pretty a pretty glorious evening.
How the hell did your parents meet, anyway? Was your mom one of those prison pen-pal girls? I definitely married up. You know what that means for my poor wife, don’t you?
My 11-year old has yet to drop the f-bomb. It’s only a matter of time, really. Should be any minute now. I dated a Mormon once. Her most severe expletive was “Oh my heck!” I can still hear her voice in my head.
They were in the army together. My mom went because she had no idea what to do with herself, which just screams, “give boot camp a try!” I know, I don’t get it either. It was weird growing up 50/50 trailer park and rich kid though, and I fell somewhere in between (though more toward the broke-ass side of things).
I would love to see KitH live!
Swear away is what I say, only a word and yeah they sure let lose on Dexter, there are others, never fear.
Pat Hatt recently posted…Whoopdi Friggin Doo Ignores All Of You!
I was surprised when poking around for pictures, that there are actually people offended by how much swearing there is on Dexter. Huh?
I’m crushing your head!!!
The Hedonist recently posted…Man-Crush: Adam Levine
I’m loving the fact that everyone so far knows this!
Just keep thinking, “What would Debra do?”
bluzdude recently posted…Odd Bits – The Expendable Edition
Vastly better than “what would Dexter do?”
It looks like you have lots of points to hand out, you head crusher.
I generally don’t try to get creative, but, since I want my kids to be able to read (most of) what I write, I keep it pretty clean.
Andrew recently posted…Listopia and "The Clearing"
I should have known blogger types would get that reference. People in real life just look at me funny if I quote that show.
I’m trying to challenge myself by keeping this blog relatively clean, I think it’s good for me
Um, I like your “alternative” swearing better. Turd wrangler? It’s my goal to fit that in a sentence today. Not at work though.
Natalie the Singingfool recently posted…The Cat Lady, AKA Kurtz
Let me know how that goes!
It calling someone “a fart” swearing? There are so many variations – old fart, fartface, Mr Fartypants. What did you mom do when you said “fart”?
Gorilla Bananas recently posted…Russian refuge
dribble fart, fart dick, fartlette, Mc Fart-erton… this is endless
I wonder if we’re crushing his head?
Eat shit = suck sphincter? No? I tried.
workingdan recently posted…Game of Thrones; Sea of Humanity
Hey that works, it made me retch a bit to visualize
I had the same exact reaction to dexter… I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. Once I tried to quit swearing by starting a swear jar. By the end of the first day there was $23.55 in that jar… And 4.45 in IOUs. It was an epic fail. But… Whatever… Fuck that. Cursing is fun. :0)
Hugs!
Valerie
Valerie recently posted…New study shows that Monday is a dirty crack hoe trying to give you herpes
I’ll never be able to clean up my speech (nor would I want to!) But since it’s so difficult to find a socially acceptable outlet for this, it’s usually the boyfriend who gets the brunt of my foul mouth, especially when we are driving. “So, how do you really feel?” is a common question from him.
Love Kids in the Hall!
I have a sailor mouth but can completely clean up my act depending on the company. I mean I can stop cursing, I’m still pretty weird.
Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted…Super Friends Season 2, Episode 9 – Decoder Word
Yeah, I think my weirdness comes through even when I’m behaving
I’m crushing your head!! Oh man, I love a good KitH ref. Did you see the absolutely insane “movie” they did (I think it showed on IFC?) recently about a murder in a small town? It was trippy, man. Weirdness personified. Love them!
I was just thinking about this topic last night! How I have to adjust my potty mouth for the company/situation. Now that I have kids, there are so many instances where I have to change SHIT! into shoot, and FUCK! into . . . well, shoot I guess. Interestingly, my kids also think of Stupid as the S word, and also Hate, Fat, Ugly . . . all of those are “bad” words. It makes it hard to be pissed off in my house. Also, in court, obviously I can’t swear. But everywhere else? Yeah, quite a few Fs flying around.
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I’ve gotten too many dirty look from parents to count. I’m obviously on my best behavior around figures of authority or at work, but when I’m more relaxed I swear without thinking about it. Something I’m working on, definitely.
Hmm kids in the hall murder mystery? I will investigate further
Haha, I have the same problem! Although I’m not sure you’re allowed to say spastic anymore either lol, although they change what’s ‘politcally correct’ almost every day now, I just stick to fucking rat to save time xxx
Scarlett recently posted…Absolutely Stupid Celebrity Quotes
I can’t say spastic?! Uh oh, I’m in trouble
When I need to scream FUCK I yell PETER FRAMPTON! But most of the time I really just stick to FUCK. I like the classics.
You know I adore you and your lunacy. So, I have nominated you for a Liebster. Don’t know exactly what it is but it’s a shiny thing so….go over to my site and see what the deal is – http://leftofplumb.com
Now, have a motherfucking awesome day!
Irene recently posted…I Love Winning Shit!
I use a lot of euphemisms for Fuck around the house: “warble butts!” “What the nerf!” but “Peter Frampton” is way more cool!
Thanks for the nod, you rock!
Oh….and the picture is from Kids In The Hall – my favorite show ever!
“I will squeeesh your head like a grape.”
Irene recently posted…I Love Winning Shit!
Um, I’m afraid I’m more likely to have creative made-up profanities that are intermingled with real profanities. Given, I span the spectrum. Like you, I cuss like a sailor, but my mother is the sailor, and my dad is the Disney character.
Shannon at The Warrior Muse
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While I don’t cuss myself, I love love love Dexter. I subscribe to Showtime every year just to watch Dexter and then unsubscribe as soon as the season is over.
And “I’m crushing your head for the win.”
Brett Minor (@brettminor) recently posted…Finding Your Funny Bone #13
Hehe, we’ve done the same thing with Showtime. We switch between that and HBO depending on what’s on
If I’m in a situation where I can’t/shouldn’t swear, I usually blurt out something along the lines of “flying butt monkeys”, “sheep testicles”, or bloody butt fairy”. I don’t clean up very well…
The more I read your writing, the more and more I love you. Nobody gets Kids in the Hall references anymore! I was amazed when I was working with a 19 year old that had more Monty Python quotes than I did. That’s only happened to me once though. Most people just look at me, confused, and ask what an elderberry is.
Jeneral Insanity recently posted…I should be making money off of this obsession
My non-profanities are typically more disgusting than any of the traditional ones. Oh well.
I was always that weird kid with the quotes that made people say “wha?” I’m used to it, but I love that all my bloggy buggies get these kind of references!
This is so funny. And I remember watching that character on Dexter, and she would say the craziest S***! I mean, just the oddest combination of curse and dirty words that I had never heard used together before. And her crazy combinations increased the hilarity factor a ton! So funny.
Heehee. I also like your thesaurus!
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Billy Connolly, one of the best comedians to ever live, is quite fond of the F word on a weirdly profound level (sort of kidding but sort of not). He said there is no English equivalent for “fuck off” and that it is something one “feels”. And his stand-up of course is heavily peppered with “fuck”. He can pull it off though. Me? Not so much. I like to use my own F bombs sparingly for effect. That said, I am partial to your “half-wit poodle” to describe a “fucking idiot”. Haha! I see myself using it in the near future.
Been a while since I’ve watched anything by Billy Connolly, I’ll have to look into it.
Men definitely seem to be able to get away with more in the f-word department