Crimes Against Karaoke, Ginger-Blerg, and Other Christmas Fails

A Compilation of Christmas Fail

I may, possibly, not be “good” at Christmas. Here are a few of my failiest fails in all their shabby glory:

Shake-Zula, Christmas Rula’

This holiday ensemble, featuring some species of indoor fern, was put together for about 25 bucks. The tree’s special “floppy triangle” shape earned it a nickname: Master Shake, of Aqua Teen Hunger Force fame.

Master Shake does Christmas

Work and Holidays Don’t Mix

Some nights in the restaurant business are so crushing, so full of mean-spirited bad tippers and helpless situations that I find myself shell shocked by the end of the day. All I want to do is sit on the couch with a glass of wine and zone out, trying to forget the horrors of the evening.

While these occasions are few and far between at my restaurant, two nights out of the year inevitably threaten to send me straight to the loony bin: New Year’s and Christmas Eve. The “ARRG” level of these shifts is immense.

Luckily for me, I was part of a Argentine family for several years who insisted on gathering on Christmas eve, not day. The fact that I had to work one of the worst shifts of the year that night was nothing but a minor inconvenience to them. As long as I was able to make it before midnight present-opening time, the show would go on.

On one such Christmas eve, I made the 45-minute drive home, numb and exhausted. I walked through the door of my tiny, crappy apartment, stinking in the dried sweat of my restaurant clothes, and saw a small group of acquaintances and family crammed in the dining nook. My ex mother-in-law was rummaging around in my kitchen, and by the uncomfortable looks on everyone’ s faces, the old woman hen pecking had commenced. I weakly said “hi” to everyone and went straight to my room, where I shut the door and started crying. I emerged about 15 minutes later, much more relaxed, if somewhat sheepish.

Another silly Christmas tree, a teary-eyed wino, and a mother-in-law’s bum

Ginger-Blerg Houses

If you make ginger bread houses, be sure to use real egg whites, and a correct liquid-to-sugar ratio. Or live with the consequences (my melty-faced ginger-blerg still comes up as my ID pic on my friend’s cell phone.)

Before

After

Blerg, and Blerg

Work Party Karaoke Bomb

I saw the train wreck coming too late. How had I ever thought this was fun? I was stuck, trying not to look at the crowd’s watching eyes, hearing my own voice lamely float in and out of a song. My partner in crime was fortunately way more drunk than I was and owned, albeit semi-tunelessly, his half of the duet.

It was the second worst karaoke disaster in my history (First will always be when my old roommate made me do Barry Manilow’s Copacabana at a biker dive bar, where we cleared the dance floor in less than 30 seconds.) I’d been tricked, perhaps, by some minor success at past work parties‒ The kitchen staff would drag me to the front, and, with the music blaring, we were able to sing-songily not completely destroy a few songs. The speakers were missing this year, leaving us at the mercy of a karaoke machine whose volume went as high as an iPhone’s. No direction, no guide, just a faint memory of a song in my head to try and sing to. I apologize for any pain and destruction to coworkers’ eardrums this incident may have caused.

Merry Christmas everyone, and may all your holiday fails be memorable and bright!

A special thanks to Misty’s Laws for her awesome Christmas prize package. A very Merrytini indeed!

Holy crap, a mini-tini set

 

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Comments

  1. Misty says:

    Yay! I’m so glad you got it before Xmas!! Now you can enjoy your itty bitty martinis. Should only take about 87 of those to give you a slight buzz! ;)

    Merry Merry to you and yours!
    Misty recently posted…Happy Christmaqwanzestivusukkah!!My Profile

    • winopants says:

      I’m a lightweight so a buzz could potentially be achieved in as few as 43 bitty tinis. I have the mini ice cubes freezing now, so I can soon test this theory. Merry Christmazwhasit to you too!

  2. Kristi says:

    Your so funny! I love it!

  3. bluzdude says:

    I don’t think the ginger houses are that bad… they just looked like they were “egged” by elves.
    bluzdude recently posted…A Life of WhackedMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      An hour or two after these pics, the candy had almost completely slid off. The elves came back to abscond with the loot

  4. Gingerbread houses never come out like they’re supposed to. Mine always end up looking like they got built by an overzealous 4 year old. Not only does that white frosting not taste good, but it also sucks at holding things in place. Why does it even exist?

  5. Pickleope says:

    There’s no way a work karaoke could go right, is there? Unless there’s a Bon Jovi-off, is there? The Bon Jovi off is the only way a work karaoke function could go well.
    Pickleope recently posted…Human DetritusMy Profile

  6. Cheryl P. says:

    I think the floppy triange tree is totally cute. As for the gingerbread house…you get A++++++ for even attempting it. I made one years ago and it was such a fantastic mess that I haven’t quite recovered. Now when someone tells me they are making gingerbread houses, I go into an involuntary seizure of sorts. It’s really quite disgusting.

    As for the karaoke…I have no idea how it sounded but I am jealous as hell. You might not know this about me (although I mention it fairly often to whoever is sober enough to hear me) I have something called alcohol intolerance. Can’t have anything with alcohol in it. It totally takes the fun out of 90 percent of everything. I envision that karaoke would be a lot of fun if someone was totally drunk. Maybe that’s what I should of asked for, for Christmas..a new liver.
    Cheryl P. recently posted…Music Helps Put the Merry Into the SeasonMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Alcohol intolerance is a blessing in disguise, trust me. People aren’t half as entertaining drunk as they think they are (as I’m sure you’re aware!)
      I’ve developed a mild sulfite allergy over the last couple years, and my wine consumption has dwindled down to almost nill. I’m actually about ten times more goofy sober I’ve discovered!

  7. But what is “good” really? Who gets to decide how low the bar is set?

    New Year’s Eve is strictly amateur hour, particularly when it comes to drinking and tipping, especially here in New York. I’ve always felt the best place to spend New Year’s Eve is hiding under the bed.

    Those houses look like they’re located in the low-rent district. No disrespect.

    Re: the karaoke. What? No YouTube posting. I’ll send you $5.

    Merry Christmas, for cryin’ out loud.
    The Unbearable Banishment recently posted…The ho-ho-ho-ness of New York CityMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Amateur hour is correct. Pretty much, on Valentine’s and New Year’s, people take a “step up” and go somewhere just out of their price range. So we get a ton of people shifting awkwardly in their seats, ordering an appetizer and a glass of water. All of our regulars are off in the city having a dinner they can barely afford. Screw that. I’d rather eat at McDonald’s than not be able to enjoy myself. These people aren’t impressing anyone, and definitely not the servers with their 10% tips :P
      Trust me on the karaoke, it ranks under “things you can’t unhear”

  8. Mine look more like Ghettobread houses. Love your spirit!

  9. Pat Hatt says:

    Such fun at your sea, the houses don’t look that bad, just throw in a mil’s bum and it distracts too hahaha
    Pat Hatt recently posted…Bah Humbug I Say Today At My Bay!My Profile

  10. I suppose sometimes it really is important to be more drunk than everybody else.

  11. Girl, you look just like HOT Valerie Bertenelli!!!! I hate that you have to work Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. I always feel so sorry for the restaurant folks on those days.
    Just Keepin’ It Real Folks recently posted…2012 Redneck RecapMy Profile

  12. Valerie says:

    Your gingerbread houses turned out way better than ours… We ended up with a broken pile of house and ate all the candy.

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted…Meet Stanley Bicher… possibly the best Christmas present known to ManMy Profile

  13. GBananas says:

    Your ex mother-in-law still had hen-pecking rights? That’s extending family values to an unnatural degree. Ex mother-in-laws should be neither seen nor heard.
    GBananas recently posted…Christmas treeMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Ah, she was not yet the “ex” during this Christmas. My holidays have been much more peaceful since. Not that she didn’t have her lovely attributes, but she could hen peck with the best

  14. This is so hilarious! I was cracking up at those gingerbread houses – they look like something out of a nightmare (in the best way possible, of course).
    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted…Post-Christmas Re-Cap: Whaja Get?My Profile

  15. Jen says:

    I keep reading your posts and forgetting to comment because by the time I’m done, you usually have me in tears. And that’s rude. This is another prime example.
    Ginger-Blerg houses, bad karaoke, ex mother-in-law’s butt, and awkward bad tippers. What more do you need?
    I love your Master Shake tree, btw. You should have glued a joint shaped something-or-other on one of the pieces of foil to really put it over the top.
    Jen recently posted…Playing with your food: When poultry attacks!My Profile

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