Things That Go Bump, Hump, and MURR in the Dark

Napa Winery misty field

Misty Napa in late afternoon

The Other Vineyard Guest House Mystery

Distracted by the novelty of my spooky haunting experience from our recent Napa vacation, I forgot to talk about something else that happened in our guesthouse, something equally disturbing.

We were sitting in bed reading. My wine textbook (I have an exam coming up, ugh) was threatening to put me to sleep; I was on New Zealand, which, while wines from this region are delightful, learning facts and figures about their local production is about as fun as memorizing the ingredients on a cereal box: “Mountains, pinot, north, south, fog, seashells, blerg, blerg, blerg…”

I was saying some of the sentences out loud to try and stay awake. Lorenzo thought it would be funny to interject with some Lord of the Rings-themed commentary.

“15% of the wine can come from outside the labeled region,” I started to say.

“15% of the wine can be made by hobbits?” he said, not looking up from his reader.

“No…”

“I could see hobbits being into wine. Especially pinot. Pinot is very hobbity.”

We suddenly heard a low groaning noise. We both looked at each other and stayed quiet listening.

It didn’t sound like creaky old farmhouse noise, and seemed to be coming from outside; Outside in the dark country lane around our secluded, lonely guesthouse…

Of course, as soon as we started listening the noise stopped, so we went back to chatting. But it came again a few minutes later, louder. We listened closely and it continued.

Murrr, MURRRR MuMurrrr.

“What the hell?”

“Is it an owl? I saw an owl box in the vineyard,” I suggested.

“That would have to be a pretty big ass owl.”

MUUR, MU, MU MURRRR.

“Nope, that’s definitely a cow,” Lorenzo said.

Now that it was louder, the noise was clearly cow-like. But I’d never heard a cow sound so, well, distressed. Was it fighting, angry, hungry, or being bothered by some bored ranch hands?

MUUURRR, MuuOOOOmur, MUURR.

“Umm, I think it’s having sex,” he added. My boyfriend was not trying to be pervy, it’s just what it sounded like.

Cow sex. Awesome. First a ghost, and now loudly humping cows.

Why Wine Tasting in the Winter is More Fun

No crowds and boatloads of atmosphere, yeah!

First stop, Domaine Carneros. Cheese+bubbles makes a wino happy

First stop, Domaine Carneros. Cheese+bubbles makes a wino happy

Tasting by appointment at Saintsbury winery, with requisite winery dogs

Tasting by appointment at Saintsbury winery, with requisite winery dogs

View of Saintsbury cellar, where tastings are held

View of Saintsbury’s cellar, where tastings are held

Erm, maybe you should do something about those bungholes (that's really what they're called, in case you were wondering)

Erm, maybe they should do something about those bungholes (that’s really what they’re called, in case you were wondering)

Dogs like to hang out in tasting rooms too!

Dogs like to hang out in tasting rooms too!

Stopping by Darioush Winery, notable for its over-the-top architecture. Pretty much the opposite of low-key tasting at Saintsbury. Any guess which one I liked more?

Stopping by Darioush Winery, notable for its over-the-top architecture. Pretty much the opposite of our low-key tasting at Saintsbury. Any guess which one we liked more?

Cool trees on a winery lane

Cool trees on a winery lane

What's up pumpkin butt? In the garden at one of my favorite wineries to visit, Sinskey. One of the few wineries in Napa using biodynamic farming.

What’s up pumpkin butt? In the garden at one of my favorite wineries to visit, Sinskey. They are one of the few wineries in Napa using biodynamic farming. And they make tasty pinot.

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Comments

  1. Omerta says:

    you know…. maybe, just maybe, they were shooting the sequel to that popular moo-porn “six teet slinger” or the equally popular Broke Back Moo-tain…Hang em high, drag em low…. Queer steers and veal bondage? “chocolate milkin”

    come on, there’s gotta be a winner there… somewhere.

  2. So you weren’t tempted to investigate? It might have been a yeti, or possibly a yeti humping a cow, which would have been a great story for the local newspaper. I’m all in favour of taking wine with food, but does that make sense if you’re a wine taster?
    Gorilla Bananas recently posted…Third time unlucky?My Profile

    • winopants says:

      It was so dark this may have required a night vision camera. And I’m not so sure how I’d feel being outside with an amorous yeti on the loose, even with the shot at attaining some local notoriety.

  3. I’ve always wanted to visit a vineyard, even if there was obnoxious cow sex. My wife’s turned me into a wine snob lately.

    Though, as solace, I hear a word like ‘bunghole’ and giggle like a toddler, so I can’t be that much of a hoity toity uptight snob, right?

    • winopants says:

      I know, my sense of humor is stuck at a grade school level so I have to stifle a laugh every time I hear this word.
      If you and the wifey ever want a wine-cation, I can show you around. Comps are a nice perk to the biz.

  4. Pat Hatt says:

    lol cow sex, can’t say you get to hear that every day.
    Pat Hatt recently posted…OH MY GOD! I Need To Throw Up My Cod!My Profile

  5. Brooke says:

    I’m jealous. That all looks like it was great fun!
    Brooke recently posted…Go Away Adipose, I Need To Work OutMy Profile

  6. Mayor Gia says:

    Those photos are awesome! I’m surprised you didn’t take one of the cows…
    Mayor Gia recently posted…Everyone is Sick and it’s Getting TerrifyingMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      The only cows I saw during the daytime were kinda far from the house, I have no idea why we could hear them so loudly. Maybe there was a secret tryst spot in the vineyards.

  7. Gossip Grl says:

    Sounded like a good time, well minus the nocturnal supernatural sounds which would have had me packing in the middle of the night to get the heck outta Dodge. :) The pics are definitely nice!

  8. How can you ugh a wine exam? I guess an exam is an exam is an exam. No sugarcoating the facts.

    This is why being in the country FREAKS me OUT. Why I never, ever go camping. If I’m ever sleeping in a tent, something went horribly wrong. I work my ass off so my family doesn’t have to sleep in a tent and hear strange noises.
    I thought you guys were the winery dogs. Didn’t realize it was literal.
    I knew that was a bung hole! (Brag.) There used to be a comic called The Wizard of Id about a mythical kingdom and the court jester, who was always pickled, was named Bung.
    The Unbearable Banishment recently posted…Heartaches AhoyMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      I’m not a camper either, with my luck I’d end up with a bear in my tent.
      And yes, a big ugh to a wine exam. Do you think it’s fun memorizing facts about Greek wine production? (Greek not geek, though there’s that too) It’s not entertaining in the slightest. Now if the exam was all Italian wine, I’d be cruising through it.
      Your knowledge of bungholes is impressive :)

      • I tried to find this comment in the photo section but I couldn’t locate it. I gave up because that’s what I do. Glad to see it resurrected. I slaved over it and it shows.
        The Unbearable Banishment recently posted…Heartaches AhoyMy Profile

        • winopants says:

          It’s the new wordpress update’s fault. I’m not sure if I’m a fan of the new way they are storing pictures, but until I’m more computer literate I’ll have to roll with whatever they choose to do

  9. I just hope the cow sex was consensual.

    • winopants says:

      In the animal world it always seems to be “begrudgingly tolerate.” Though perhaps that could be said of the human world sometimes as well

  10. Valerie says:

    Maybe it was the cow themed dog? :0)

    Hugs!

    Valerie
    Valerie recently posted…Damn you Captain Trips!!!My Profile

  11. Maybe local cow-sex is part of the secret ingredient to that area’s subtle wine flavors. It’s at least as potent as mountains and fog, I bet.
    SarcasticNinja recently posted…Medieval Drug Addict Killer Rabbits (NSFW)My Profile

  12. Awesome pics. Makes me want to to there oh so badly! Love the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit humor!

  13. Stacie says:

    I’ve never seen Dalmation winery dogs. Usually they’re labs (it seems). Just what I needed. To find your awesome blog about all things wine and wine country, to make me feel more depressed that I don’t live there (yet). I kid (sort of)! But NJ seems pretty far from there! My husbands dream “retirement” job would be to be a sommelier. But I’m not sure he’d actually trigger all of those classes. So maybe he’ll just pour wine at a winery.

    I love it that Pinot is hobbity. I’m totally using that!
    Stacie recently posted…Avoiding Whine CountryMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Glad you came by :) Sommelier is definitely not a retirement job, unless you’re at a super high-end gig it normally requires you to be a restaurant manager as well, which can be 50-60+ hours a week, on your feet, ’till 2 am. I’m “lucky” I’m a server/wine buyer, so my schedule isn’t like that! Pouring at a tasting room is much more laid back, with regular hours. I always thought doing tours would be fun.

  14. Redshoes51 says:

    I’ve heard that cow sex can be quite ‘mooving’ to the participants…

    Just sayin’…

    I’ve never been to Napa Valley, but I have been to Sonoma a few times… I love the wineries out there…

    Not sure how found your blog… :o )

    ~shoes~

    • winopants says:

      I prefer Sonoma, it’s much more low key. Napa is a little Disney, but it’s worth getting up-valley or into the mountains, that’s where all the good stuff is happening!

  15. Cow sex. Awesome… Well, I’d need a couple of bottles of wine before you can actually hear me say those words out loud hahaha. (Oh you meant the opposite, I see.) ;)

    Great pics, Winopants. I’m a wine-lover myself, nu pun intended in spite of those things really being called bungholes (bungholes…. really?), and I’m always on the hunt for a wine I haven’t tasted yet when I’m abroad.

  16. Alexa says:

    Oh my gosh this is funny!! Stopping by from S30+ and so glad I did!! Love this and the pics are great too!
    Alexa recently posted…The GiftMy Profile

  17. Joe says:

    I’m going to lose sleep now, never quite sure of what it was that you were hearing. But I take solace in the fact that you got (probably) humping cattle, bungholes AND hobbits into one post so efficiently. Well done!
    Joe recently posted…A Slacker* Looks At 40 (From 45) – What Career?My Profile

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