(Un)Romancing the Butt, New Year’s Style

romancing the stone

A bad romance

Smoking was my adult “binky” for many years. During times of stress, it was an excuse to physically remove myself from my house or work, sit outside and coolly ponder life. I’d go back inside, guilty and shaky from the chemicals, already planning my next break; caught in a cycle of obsession that spiraled along and perhaps served to keep my mind occupied from things that were truly freaking me out.

Oddly, when I lived around a bunch of non-smokers I craved my special break time more. Their shiny health and vitality, structure and normality made me want to run away to a grey corner somewhere with my pack of American Spirits. When I moved closer to my restaurant friends, I was knee deep in a degenerate pirate lifestyle. The all-night boozing and chain smoking was fun… for about two minutes. I was quickly overwhelmed and one day, I stopped smoking. I haven’t had a single cigarette in two years.

Smoker shaming pic

Smoker shaming pic

Tough Love

De-romanticizing smoking was my addiction’s off-switch. For those serious about quitting smoking in the New Year, I offer these words of positive discouragement. Smoking:

• Scares away the opposite sex faster than a virulent crotch rash. Hot people don’t want ash-flavored drool all over their hotness; they don’t say “Omnomom, gimme some yellow tarry phlegm.”

• Makes a person look older than a white-bearded wizard with a crack habit. Every middle-aged smoker I know looks like they are trying to melt the skin off their face.

• Is for losers. Think about who smokes- It’s not highly successful professionals (an obvious exception is our country’s leader, who used to smoke before running for president.) More often smokers include: the homeless, Jersey Shore cast members, frustrated restaurant workers, and mopey hipsters. No one aspires to be a hobo/greaseball/dead end job person with terrible taste in music.

May I suggest…

Instead of buying a pack of smokes, get some loose-leaf tobacco. Now take an old sock that has been mildewing in an forgotten corner of the bathroom for a few months, and put some of the tobacco in it, along with some dirt and used cat litter. Now place in the mouth like an oversized Snus. What, this is nasty? So is drowning in tar and turning into a dirty old wizard who can’t get laid.

Don’t be discouraged

Take Anthony Bourdain- This guy was a walking, (barely) breathing chimney in his heyday. He quit late in life, and looks better now than when he was younger. It’s never too late to quit!

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  1. I started smoking because it made me look like James Bond. Seriously. I wanted to appear luscious to the ladies and I couldn’t afford the Austin Martin, but the Newports were well within my budget. Then I got addicted. Woops! I didn’t see that coming! I quit when I realized that James Bond would probably smoke an exotic turkish blend instead of North Carolina’s finest.
    The Unbearable Banishment recently posted…The holiday is over. Crankiness is back in vogue.My Profile

    • winopants says:

      Newports! Those always knocked me out. I stuck with my American Spirit lights and never strayed.
      A non-smoking friend of mine told me she thought I looked cool when I smoked. I’m not sure if a compliment that cheers you on to your death is really a compliment :P

      • With friends like that, etc., etc. What the hell are American Spirits? Are they mentholated? Years ago, the rumor was the menthol cigarettes had bits of glass in the filter. That was fine with me. It worked in conjunction with my badass Bondian. image.

  2. I’ve never smoked a single cigarette in my life. Not because I’m a goodie goodie, but because I’m a cheapass, and that shit is expensive. Pay to kill myself? No thank you! Good for you for kicking the habit, and you’ll continue to thank yourself when you don’t like Danny Devito when you turn 40.
    abeerfortheshower recently posted…2012: A Year in Drunken ReviewMy Profile

  3. Gorilla Bananas says:

    How right you are. Scientists have calculated that each cigarette reduces your life by 11 minutes. Hugh Hefner gave up smoking and look at him now – a dirty old wizard who CAN get laid.

  4. bluzdude says:

    When I see people smoking, I can’t help but mentally take a few dozen IQ points off them. I’m like, “How can you STILL be doing that?”

    Then as a penalty for being judgmental, I end up sharing an elevator with their smoky ass and choking my way back up to my floor.
    bluzdude recently posted…That One PartMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Something about the judgement and disapproval made me do it more, I’m contrarian like that.
      I forgot to include a bullet point about the smell: I hate it so much! Like burning peanut butter, only more insidious. Honestly, the worst part about smoking was not feeling like crap it was smelling like crap

  5. Mayor Gia says:

    My mom just got one of those e-cigarettes to try to quit. I hope it works!

    • winopants says:

      I wish I could try one of those things to see what they are like, but I have a feeling that would be a bad idea :P

  6. workingdan says:

    Let me light up a Marlboro red as I ponder my comment… *exhales a toxic cloud*

    I have actually wanted to quit for a long time but the one phrase that I’ve sold myself on that prevents me from quitting…”No matter how bad you WANT to quit, you just can’t do it until you are READY.”

    I’m guessing that’s what people say who don’t really want to quit. Smoking is too much of a crutch for me.
    workingdan recently posted…Shitter Was FullMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Crap, I know. I still miss it, especially in the winter when I’m generally behaving more badly than normal. I was ready to quit once I turned 30- I started panicking about getting older, and doing something to accelerate that process only heightened my anxiety

    • Jen says:

      “They” say a lot of things… but “they” are wrong 98.2% of the time.
      Jen recently posted…My new best friend is hairyMy Profile

  7. Valerie says:

    Luckily, I was turned off from smoking because my dad smoked like a chimney and I had to go thru my younger years being stinky. I would totally suck at quitting.


    Valerie recently posted…Welcome 2013! I am the Hero of this story. I don’t need to be saved.My Profile

    • winopants says:

      My dad smoked too, and I told myself I’d never do it. But this “no” made some other part of my brain want to give it a try. I don’t understand how that works.

  8. I’ve never smoked and honestly can’t stand the smell. Good for you! There was a picture of a set of identical twins on the internet (older women around 50.) Anyway, one smoked and the other one never did. The smoker looked about 20 years older.

    • winopants says:

      I’ve seen a picture like that before, it was pretty crazy. Aging is scary enough, I don’t need to speed it up!

  9. Jen says:

    Peer pressure is a MOFO! I started smoking when I was 12 to “look cool”. It’s 18 years later, and I can’t walk across my backyard without being out of breath.
    I’m 30 and have smoked for over 18 years. How fucking disgusting is that? VERY! That’s how.
    I have wanted to quit FOREVER and have (obviously unsuccessfully) attempted it multiple times. I want to quit for my kids, for my health, for my looks, and for SO many other reasons… I just can’t seem to do it yet.
    Kudos to you for quitting!
    I think I might actually make a collaboration-ey inspirational poster and use parts of this post for it if you don’t mind… I’m SO over this stupid, smelly, expensive habit.
    I heart your face. Cheers to you and your amazing lungs!
    Jen recently posted…My new best friend is hairyMy Profile

    • winopants says:

      Just keep trying! I quit and started again so many times before I finally gave it a rest. Sounds super cheesy but you have to treat every day like a new one.
      Of course you can use the pics from this post, I’d love to see what you do with them. The more smoker de-motivation out there the better!
      (Psst..My boyfriend is a smoker of 17 years, I’m trying to encourage him to quit!)

  10. Gossip Grl says:

    Quitting is what I currently struggle with. I go to sleep thinking tomorrow is the day and wake up to so many excuses why it isn’t. :( For instance this morning 6 am beating on my door was my neighbor with his plunger in hand telling me his commode was stopped up. I still have no clue why he stopped by to say, “shitters full” but it’s crap like that! I hadn’t had one smoke today- until then. :(

    • winopants says:

      I know, every little stress can be a trigger! If anyone woke me up like that they might get their plunger back in their face

  11. Andrew says:

    You will notice that our president did quit smoking before…
    I’m sort of infamous for, when I was 4, telling the neighbors all about how smoking was bad for them and that they should stop. I got in trouble for that.

    So you’re somewhere in wine country?
    Andrew recently posted…She’s Starting To Damage My Calm, Part 12, and the World’s Best ChocolateMy Profile

  12. smokless Fag says:

    There is definately a lot to know about this subject.
    I really like all of the points you have made.
    smokless Fag recently posted…smokless FagMy Profile

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